Remember Not to Kidnap Pets
by randomfics
Summary: ...Because it's always a lot more trouble then its worth. Pairings: Shinsengumi/Yoryuza
1. Chapter 1

Birds chirruped sweetly on rooftops, as the brilliant yellow sun majestically rose, lighting the earth with its power-

A bowl came winging out of an open window, smashing into the bird. "Oy- Gin-chan! I think I caught breakfast."

Sleepily the perm-head rubbed his eyes as a triumphant Chinese looking girl began to climb out the window, not minding the fact that those below could see everything. "OY! Kagura! Get back in here-"

Too late. With a grin she had already jumped onto the neighboring roof to pick up the bird. "Look Gin-chan, breakfast!"

One fisheye twitched in response. "Kagura- you can't actually be meaning to eat that- right?"

"Stupid Gin-chan- we'll make four-eyes cook it for us!"

"No, no, I'm quite certain that Shinpachi won't cook it for us-"

"Good morning, Kagura-chan, Gin-san. What are you guys doing being so loud this early in the morning- OY IS THAT A DEAD BIRD? WHY ARE YOU THRUSTING IT AT ME, HUH? DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO DO SOMETHING WITH IT!"

Kagura looked away with a soft "Tch" as the bird in her hand began to flutter. Gintoki's eye twitched in response, as Shinpachi took a step back.

"Kagura- you did kill it…right?"

"Of course I did-"

With a squawk, the bird began to flap its wings desperately, as unnoticed, the door slid open behind them. Kagura, reacting instinctively, threw the bird at the door-

Only to slam right into someone's face, causing him to topple over, just in time to miss a sideways stab from the person beside him. The bird squawked loudly, before flapping off. The person lying on the ground snarled, a puff of cigarette smoke climbing up into the air. "Sogou- what do you think you're doing?"

"I missed. Oh well, at least this time I will get you-"

The Shinsengumi member rolled sideways, before jumping to his feet and pointing an accusing finger at his fellow man. "Okita! Stop trying to kill me all the time1"

"Che- I missed."

Okita sighed as he looked away, directly at Kagura. "It's all your fault China, if you hadn't let that bird go it would've hit directly."

"Oh, you blaming me Sadist?"

Two sets of eyes met and burned, as Gintoki stuck his pink in his ear, before taking it out and blowing on it. "What brings you guys here? Here to hire us?"

Hijikata twitched, as Shinpachi's head craned to take a look around him. "Ah, Yamazaki-san, you're here as well."

The spy nodded, patting his badminton racket at his side instead of his usual sword. "Yep. I was told to come along in case its another three vs. three deal."

"Three vs. three? Ah, well- would you like some tea?"

In the background he could hear the sound of a table being smashed, and the Landlady below began screeching at them to quiet down and not break anything. Yamazaki began to nod, when a hand descended upon his head with a black cloud gathering behind him.

"Ya-ma-zak-i~" The sugary sweet voice from Hijikata sent chills down the spy's back like no other, "We didn't come here for a drink! We came here for one reason!"

"Y-Yes sir." Yamazaki sighed, wanting to cry as Shinpachi shrugged, moving back behind the nearly destroyed couch.

"Kagura- if you keep that up, the Landlady is going to demand that we pay to replace everything." Shinpachi's calm words made everyone freeze in their steps, as a dark, ominous cloud that blotted out Hijikata's appeared.

An old, frail looking woman stood in the doorway. She took a long drag of her cigarette, before breathing out just as quietly. Then, one hand thrust out to the Shinsengumi members. "Pay up."

"Huh?"

"It's useless trying to squeeze milk out of a stone, and you guys are here to hire them right? So pay up."

Hijikata teeth ground on his cigarette, as Gintoki laughed maniacally. "That's right! Show them who's queen of Kabuki-chou!"

An umbrella descended upon his head as a Kagura's deadpan voice said, "That would be me."

Blood trickled down his face, as Gin's head slowly turned to her. Then, with an infuriated roar of his own, he lashed out. Instantly the entire place degraded into chaos as Okita took it as a signal to start fighting and leapt into battle eagerly (making certain to slash at Hijikata first).

A tick mark appeared on the landlady's head, and Shinpachi took a step back, before grabbing Yamazaki by the wrist. "Run."

The spy nodded. After working so long in dangerous areas, he had learned when to identify when to cut his loses and run. Together the two jimmies darted past the landlady before she could react, and quickly disappeared onto the streets of Kabuki-chou.

"WOULD YOU MORONS STOP DESTROYING MY APARTMENT?" The landlady's scream stopped both Gintoki and Kagura dead in their tracks as they suddenly began scrambling to get out the doorway.

"Oh no you don't!" She gestured sharply, as a robot maid with long green hair stepped out of the shadows, wielding a mop.

Kagura smirked. "SADAHARU!"

The giant dog barked once as he leaped- Kagura jumped on his back, sticking her tongue out at them as she smirked in triumph.

"Huh, that was a close one."

Her triumphant smile dropped as she turned around- Okita sat further down Sadaharu's back, shading his eyes as both Hijikata and Gintoki were left to the unmerciful landlady.

* * *

Shinpachi gasped for breath, as he leaned against the wall. "So- *pant* why did the *gasp wheeze* Shinsengumi come to the Yoryuza?"

Yamazaki, also wheezing for breath as he leaned against the wall, held up a picture that he fished out of his pocket. "This is the shogun's pet dog. It disappeared, and since it looked like a miniature Sadaharu, we wondered if it had come running to you guys."

Shinpachi's eyes narrowed as he regarded the picture. It did indeed look like a miniature Sadaharu… "I think I know where to look for it."

"Huh?" Yamazaki looked surprised as Shinpachi straightened from the wall.

"There are two fake priestesses that gave us Sadaharu. If we go to them, then we'll probably get more information." Shinpachi paused, before turning around. "By the way- you didn't happen to feed it strawberry milk or something, did you?"

"Huh? No- I don't think so…"

Shinpachi sighed in relief. "That's good. We don't need a giant dog trying to kill everyone running around. Let's go. It'll take awhile to walk there so-"

"Should we just use the police car?"

"Can you drive?"

A number Sixteen appeared in the air, pointing at Shinpachi, while a Not Yet Revealed pointed at Yamazaki. Shinpachi's head hung as he groaned. "Otase probably is already selling it for money. So unless you can call up another one-"

Yamazaki held up a small radio. "It's standard equipment to carry these."

Shinpachi's eyes twitched as he pointed at the radio. "Where did you pull that rfrom? You weren't carrying it before!"

Yamazaki smirked. "You know, since no one notices us Jimmies, its easy to carry something and pull it out magically! Ahahahaha!"

"BUT WHERE DID YOU PULL IT OUT FROM? YOU'RE A-"

A squad car pulled up, and a head stuck out, "Oy, Yamazaki- Kondo wants to know where Hijikata and Okita went to."

"They went to go gather information. Hey- can we-" The car drove off, as the men turned to each other, chattering normally as they completely forgot about the two Jimmies.

Shinpachi smirked.

"Come on Yamazaki, we should start walking. It's going to take us awhile."

"Yes, lets…" Yamazaki sighed heavily as Shinpachi glanced at the picture clutched in his hands.

"It seems like the Shogun sends you out to look after his pets a lot," Shinpachi murmured.

Yamazaki nodded. "We're the Emperor's dogs. We do what we must."

Shinpachi slowly nodded, before looking back at the street before them. "Yamazaki-san, just a question, but… who do you follow? Hijikata, or Kondo?"

"I- I follow…" Yamazaki paused, before saying a single name, wondering if it was the right name.

He received his answer when Shinpachi grinned, nodding. "That's what I thought you'd say."

* * *

Kagura glowered as Sadaharu sat next to her, staring out like some sort of guard dog. "All I'm asking for is if you've seen this dog."

"It's a miniature Sadaharu, uh-huh. Why are you asking me this? If you try to take Sadaharu away, I won't forgive you, nope."

"Why would I want your stupid dog? I just want the miniature one here. In this picture. You do understand Japenese, right? Or should I start speaking slower?"

"If you start speaking slower I'll take your *Bleep* and do *Censored*."

Okita smirked, "What a dirty mouth you have. Maybe I ought to teach you a lesson in pain?"

"Huh. Anyways, if you want a miniature Sadaharu, you should go the priestesses, uh-huh. They were the ones that originally owned him, uh-huh."

"Priestesses? Where China?"

"Why should I tell you, Sadist?"

Okita stood up from the bench as he drew his sword. "Let's fight then- the first person that draws blood can ask a favor from the other."

Kagura smirked as she too stood. "Oh? Then be prepared to be my slave!"

Two hands grabbed them by the back of their heads, knocking them together and knocking the two out. Sadaharu was instantly up, growling loudly, only to cut off with a loud yelp as a huge needle slammed into his buttocks, and a large net dropped over him.

-(Meanwhile)-

Hijikata could only watch as Otase walked away, smirking in triumph as she held in her hands half of the back rent owed to her. Both he and Gintoki were almost naked except the barrels around their waists.

"I… feel violated."

* * *

a/n: A quick chapter I've come up out of nowhere- it'll probably be a pretty short story... Anyways, I hope you enjoy it! The pairings, if you haven't already guessed is HijikataXGintoki, OkitaXKagura, and YamazakiXShinpachi. Whenever the six of them get together, I get the feeling that they're like an extended family. Either way, please review!


	2. Chapter 2

Shinpachi paused in front of the apartment/temple thingy, as Yamazaki's head tilted back to look at it. It was completely quiet, and the house was dark. "That's odd…" Yamazaki murmured. "Somebody should be here."

"Well, one of them works at the same place my sister does. I'm not certain what the other one does though."

Shinpachi stepped up to the door, knocking loudly. "Excuse me, is anyone home?"

Silence. Yamazaki began patting down his pockets, before pulling out a badge. "Excuse me, this is the Shinsengumi- we're coming in-"

The door slid open to a scene of destruction. The table was smashed, and pieces of cheap looking pottery decorated the floor. Shinpachi looked around, looking panicked. "Where- where's the priestesses?"

Yamazaki shrugged as he knelt down, searching for any trace of what happened- obviously a fight, but were there two bodies lying around? "Shinpachi, its best if you stay here while I go and investigate-"

"THIEVES! THIEVES! SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE! THIEVES!"

Yamazki turned to see a frail, old looking grandma waving her cane at them as she shouted on the top of her lungs. Heads were poking out of doorways, and fear began to worm its way onto Yamazaki's face as he took a step back. "I am the Po-"

"THEY'RE CLAIMING THEY'RE POLICE! THIEVES! THI—"

"SHUT UP OLD LADY!" Came another answering roar.

"DON'T INTERRUPT UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO DO XXXX!"

"YEAH RIGHT, IF YOU TRY I'LL XXXX YOUR *Censored*!"

Shinpachi looked at Yamazaki, as he began edging for the door. "I'll leave it to you, Yamazaki."

He darted for the door, and managed to escape through it, leaving behind the hapless, defenseless Yamazaki. "NO! Shinpachi! Come back! Don't leave me here alone with this old lady!"

"Jimmy hiding in plain sight skill- BEGIN!" Was Shinpachi's only reply, as like a master Jimmy, he began disappearing into the crowd, mixing like a master Jimmy he was and fading from sight.

That was, of course, until the largest man they had ever seen, wearing a western-style suite and a large scar across his face, appeared in front of him. "So, you're the thief trying to steal from the Miko, eh?"

Shinpachi's right eye twitched, as a look of total horror crossed his face. Yamazaki was tempted to burst out laughing, but the mans gaze twitched towards him, he shut up, and took a step back. The old woman smirked.

The man's hand descended upon the old woman's shoulder as he said, "Miss Thief, I suggest you come with me."

Then, with an indomitable glint, and moving through the crowds like a bulldozer, he left behind the two stunned, unexpectedly grateful men. "Th-That was close."

Yamazaki turned to Shinpachi. "You tried to abandon me."

"Survival instinct." Came back the prompt reply as he stared straight ahead.

"Wouldn't it of been better for you to stick with me?"

"And watch you get arrested by your own teammates?" The glasses gleamed impenetrably, as Shinpachi did not look at Yamazaki. The spy's eyes narrowed, before he sighed as his stomach gurgled mournfully.

"We're not going to find out what's going on if we just stand here. Let's get something to eat."

Shinpachi looked away, waving a hand. "You go ahead. I'm going to ask around-" Shinpachi's stomach gurgled, which he ignored. "Besides, I'm not very hungry."

"No, no, you look ready to faint from hunger? Is it just because you're poor? I can buy."

"R-Really?" A sparkling, pink background surrounded Shinpachi as he looked at the Spy.

Yamazaki could feel heat creeping into his face as he waved a hand back and forth. "Sure, just so long as you promise not to try and abandon me like you just did."

"Done-" Shinpachi's eyes widened as he grabbed Yamazaki's wrist, pulling him forward as he brought out his Shinai to block the falling sword. Yamazaki turned, pulling out his badminton racket.

"You have got to be kidding me." Shinpachi breathed as a large group of men began to form out of the surrounding crowd, each holding weapons.

"Yamazaki, you wouldn't happen to of made someone mad recently, have you?"

"No. Are they part of a fan-club you've beaten down?"

"Nope." Shinpachi drew his shinai, back to back with Yamazaki. "Due to unfortunate circumstances I haven't been able to go to a concert in several weeks. I'm sorry my one and only love!"

As Shinpachi clenched a fist and looked up to the sky crying, Yamazaki kept a wary eye on the enemies.

A sword swept downwards, as the two automatically leaped sideways. "Erm, Yamazaki…"

"Yes Shinpachi?"

"S-Should we run?"

"Yep."

With that eloquent speech hanging in the air, both began to run, Yamazaki's badminton racket breaking over one of the large goon's head. "GIN-SAN! HELP!"

* * *

Gintoki looked up from where he had managed to successfully mug a passerby and regain clothing. Silently he put his pinky in his ear and wiggled it, before looking up again. "Oy, perm-head, what do you think you're doing?"

"My Danger Sense is quivering."

"JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? SPIDERMAN? FORGET DANGER SENSE AND HELP ME TO BREAK INTO MY HOUSE BEFORE THE OLD BAT MANAGES TO SELL IT!"

"No, no," Gintoki continued, ignoring the raging Vice-commander, as he put his finger in his ear again, "I mean it. My Danger Sense is quivering- I should go find my costume."

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT A SUPERHERO!"

Hijikata took a deep breath, before looking away. As if right on cue, his Okita Sense quivered. "Sugou must be in trouble."

Gintoki sneered. "Bwahahaha! What kind of moron are you? Senses? What do you think you are; some kind of a Western Superhero?"

A vein on his temple was throbbing. "You moron! You were the one who first came up with it!"

"Huh? Is the feared 'vice-commander' a man who actually likes playing with dolls? Oh, yeah, that's right, you just gave in to that cursed sword, didn't you, so that way you didn't feel the need to hide it. Poor Gorilla-san to have such a bad person on his tea-"

Gintoki ducked the sword swing, as Hijikata thinly smiled. "Oops. It slipped from my hands."

Gintoki's eyes went flatter then their normal Dead-Fish-Eyes© (Now available in stores beside your Justaway) as his foot flew out, just barely missing Hijikata's head. "Oops. My foot slipped on a conveniently placed banana left by the Gorilla you call Commander."

Hijikata sneered, thin-lipped as eyes met and clashed. It was war.

Conveniently forgetting the fact that Hijikata was still trying to properly retrieve his clothes, the writer conveniently wrote: 'In a flash of black, tinged with gold, the handsome man thrust, grinning as a gasp filled the air. He leaned close to the pale face, breath coming out in small puffs as he whispered, "You can do better then that."

'In answer a moan filled the air, as he thrust again-'

*This Scene was Interrupted, and Erased due to Content. Please Excuse us While we Find the Original Content-*

'Hijikata pulled back, smirking in triumph at the pale man beneath him. The normally messy hair was tousled even further, and the Samurai looked rather stunned as he pulled back. "Come now, lets see you do something else. I'm going to enjoy your screams.".'

*Excuse us while we lock up the Yaoi Fangirl that has gotten their hands on this Fanficiton. We will be back in one minute.*

Hijikata leaned against the conveniently wall as the words imprinted themselves above them. "Crap."

Gintoki sighed as he stayed as far away from the man as possible. "Well, at least the story can't move on, right?"

A man clad in a black and red suite dropped before them, the spider markings clear on the skin-tight body suite. "I am Spider-man, here to steal upside-down kisses from every girl possible!"

"Wha-"

The man looked around, before looking to the top of the page. "Whoops. Wrong fandom. Sorry."

With that, he disappeared in a flash. Gintoki groaned as he massaged his forehead. "I gotta find the kids."

"Well, the idiot is with the alien, and Yamazaki is with Shinpachi."

"I'm surprised you know his name."

"One of Kondo's rules, all Shinsengumi members are to be nice to him so that way he can win over his sister."

"Oh. Gorilla-san wants to take the path through being her brothers' friend huh?"

"Yep. He got it from one of the gal-games he was playing."

Silence fell, before Hijikata groaned. "Screw this. I'm going to find a plot hole and use it to get my clothing back."

Gintoki jerked a thumb at a sale going down the street. "Or you could get your Authentic Shinsengumi Clothing from the old man down the street."

A black cloud of menace gathered around Hijikata's head, and a deep breath filled the air. It slowly came out in a long puff of cigarette smoke. "I'm going. Then we're going."

Gintoki flapped a hand at him, "Yes, yes."

As Hijikata turned around to leave, a thought made his pause as he snagged the other man around the neck. "You're coming with me. I don't trust you to not go after I leave."

* * *

"Well China, you've done it again."

Eyes narrowed as the Amanto shifted against the chains, trying to get a little more comfortable. The chains clinked in response, and the girl sighed.

She was practically suspended in mid-air from all of the chains, each link thick as a thumb. Okita had to settle with just being chained to the wall: Obviously they thought she was the worse of the two. "Why do you get so many chains?"

"Sadist, don't make me talk, or I'll puke all over you." Kagura warned, as she shifted again. The chains were biting into her skin painfully, and it was a little hard to breathe from the chains that wrapped around her chest. "I wonder who got us."

"How am I supposed to know? Must be a pervert though-" Kagura paused, trying to breathe as the chains tightened. Okita glanced up, something like, but not quite concern in his eyes.

The door swung open, and a man in a dumpy looking black cloak from too many super-villain stories stepped inside. However...

Okita watched as he quite calmly ignored the captured Shinsengumi member to grab Kagura by the chin. The Amanto regarded him through steadily narrowing eyes, as Okita stomped on the urge to snarl at the man.

She was his prey, no one elses'… "Hmm, you'll do. I know a lot of men that would love to try breaking in a girl. Especially one of such a hated race as the Amanto. You'll be a good attar-"

A shoe hit the man squarely in the face, as a gob of spit smacked him in the eye. "IT BURNS! IT BURNS! IT HURTS!"

Okita blinked as he carefully tucked one socked foot out of view of China, as Kagura snarled at the man. "You think I'm going to give in, uh-huh? I'll kill anyone of you that tries!"

An unwilling smile curved his lips. That- that was definitely China.

"Well, why did you capture us anyways Shoe-Imprint Guy?"

"Don't call me that! Besides which, everyone knows that if the Yoryuza becomes involved with something then something else is going to be destroyed! It's happened over and over again. So it's better to split you up where you guys can't do anything!"

China let loose a small, low laugh, as her head fell, bangs covering her eyes. When she looked up again, the Shoe-Imprint Guy recoiled. "Huhuh- If you think we're strong together, you ought to see us apart! Gin-san will definitely come for me, as will Four-eyes. Then we're going to tear down this place."

"Ha- Good luck having them find you. They ought to be having lots of trouble right now." The man tried a confident smirk.

The effect was spectacularly ruined by something yellow dripping from a pants leg. The Shoe-Imprint Guy fled.

"So, China-"

"Use my name correctly Sadist!"

"China, do you have any idea what happened?"

Kagura shook her head, before her eyes widened. "Ah! Sadaharu! Where is he?"

"Don't know. When I woke up we were already here."

"Fine job you did, snoring away." Kagura muttered. "Grrr- GIN-SAN!"

Something deep within him twitched at her reliance on Gin-san. Gin-san this, Gin-san that. It could make a guy puke.

Angrily he regarded a wall, wondering why exactly he cared.

* * *

a/n: Chapter two! Yayz! I hope you enjoyed! (And no, I don't have anything against fan-girls, I simply put it there for humor purposes. Please don't take offense) And please Review!


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